Yesterday I spoke with Leo the Russian about the show. He's done some rethinking and decided that Shakespeare is probably not a good idea: large casts, sword fights, and language barriers make it difficult for a first time director.
Instead, he's decided he wants to do something with a relevant theme (in other words, not Ibsen), a small cast, and he isn't going for high drama (in other words, not Wit), but neither is he interested in directing Clue. I need to read more legitimate theatre, because I'm having a hard time coming up with things that meet all these requirements that I haven't read for a course. That is generally a bad idea because then lots of other people in the department have read it and have their own opinions and ideas and won't be impressed because things don't match. He wants to do a Spanish play he's just finished reading, the title translates to The Lady of the Night, but there don't seem to be any English translations.
Last night Nathan wanted to know what was wrong with me, and I didn't want to tell him. I said it was my problem and he couldn't help me anyway, so he was probably better off not knowing. He got upset, which, as soon as I'd said that last bit, I knew I was terribly and horribly wrong. He loves me and worries about me and has a certain right to know why I'm upset about things. Three hours of both of us being silently miserable I told him. There are sometimes I wish we would just scream at each other and be done with it, rather than both going quiet the way we do, but I can't yell at him because I know it would hurt both of us a hundred times more than the silence.
I told him the most important thing in my current list of worries. The others, as I had thought, are becoming less pernitious, but the one wouldn't go away. I told him that I've felt I wasn't accomplishing anything and what was I doing in school if I was probably going to spend the rest of my life washing our dishes? He said he didn't think I failed at anything, which ought to be an indication that my standards are way too high again, except for the simple fact that I know they're not. He told me the other day that Mark said I ought to do a portfolio review of all my Drawing and Rendering work, which Nathan takes to mean that I do good work. I disagree because Mark never has anything to say to me. Aaron and Derek, the two really artistic people in the class, he's always talking with them about things they could do better. Their stuff is much better than mine, so why doesn't he have any advice for me?
It's like acting. There are two or three of the people in the class that Richard works with much more deeply than anyone else. They're better than the rest of us already, and he knows he can get them to do more. In both of the final scenes I have ever done in any of his classes, he never has much of anything to say to me.
This is my problem generally, no one has anything to say to me about anything. I don't have any way to qualify any of my work. I turn things in and I get the high grade, but I know I'm not doing anything that is particuarly exceptional. I want to know why no one catches me and tells me what I can do to do my best. I know how to do well enough, but I don't know how to do my best, because my mediocre is good enough that no one wants anything more.
I still don't feel right about anything, but I do feel much more comfortable.