This morning I didn't wake up officially until ten thirty, and I had three really peculiar dreams. After each one I woke up at eight thirty, nine thirty, and finally ten thirty.
In the first one was my wedding and it was as though we had neglected to plan anything. It was going to be held in a Methodist church that I do not recognise, and hundreds of people were there. When I went into a back room to get dressed I realised that I had forgotten my dress and my shoes and I didn't have a proper pair of stockings. That's always the case with me, they either have a run or they're the wrong size or colour- stockings and I don't get along.
I felt awfully because I felt as though I had single handedly ruined the day for Nathan and everyone else. All I wanted was to talk to him, but my mother wouldn't let me. She kept yelling at me about how this is what happens about not having gotten anything done in time and she had asked to help and I had turned her down.
The wedding isn't until May 2006. I think this is probably a good sign that I really do need to calm down and stop worrying about it. However, it's such a huge daunting task for which such an enormous amount of things have to be done, all of which cost money. If I weren't so picky about things, this would be wonderful to hoist on to someone else, but there's no one I would trust to hoist the occasion upon. Except Nathan, because honestly in my eyes the wedding is for him.
Girls are supposed to be all excited about having a wedding and wearing a white dress and all of that sort of thing. I'm not shy, or particuarly self concious, but I have never thought that a wedding sounds like a whole lot of fun. The words "our day" keep running through my head from long conversations, but it seems like there are so many more other people who ought to be made happy than me, mostly because what I would absolutely love to do would be just too queer to consist of anyone's definition of wedding.
I would love to go out with Nathan some morning, just the two of us, into some little woody place, and the two of us promise each other to love each other forever, and to take care of each other and whatever we want to say. Then for the sake of legality go and have a witness or two and a court marriage, but there are too many friends and relations (his side especially) for whom this would never ever be sufficient, and I doubt very much Nathan would be too particuarly impressed by it.
The second and third dreams weren't any too bothersome now that I think about them. They just weren't happy and I woke up still worried over them. Things rarely look so tough by the light of day and after several hours thought.